Motherhood is a big change, you will never be the person you once were, and that’s ok. But it takes a while sitting in between who you were and who you’ve become to be really happy inside.
When I first had my babe I felt overwhelmed, unsure and had no confidence in what I was doing. I second guessed everything and always needed reassurance from others that what I was doing was correct. Then gradually over time, I grew in confidence. I trusted my judgement and gradually got into a rhythm of things.
Fast forward 12 months and I hit a low. A low I absolutely wasn’t prepared for, nor had any idea could happen. I was lost. I’d lost myself. My life was so consumed with my babe and her happiness that I sacrificed my own, and before I knew it I was a sad shell of the person I once was. I got through days without even looking in the mirror, I’d go a couple of days without a shower, I just didn’t seem to care. I didn’t laugh and felt like I had nothing interesting to say anymore.
This weekend I left my babe for the first time in 13 months and 3 weeks. I’m not going to lie, I was super anxious, and spent the most of Friday crying at being such a terrible mama to abandon her. When in actual fact I was being a good mama.
I went away and laughed and talked and relaxed. Yes I had mama guilt, when don’t we? But I realised just how lost I’d become, and slowly I started to find myself. Not the person I was before I had a babe, but the new and improved version.
Talking to other mamas since, I’ve found that so many go through the same thing. They’re not depressed as such, but just stuck in a sort of limbo, mourning the loss of who they once were, yet unable to see the absolutely awesome person they’re growing into.